The Great Playgroup Debate of 2007

Last week at playgroup when I wasn't in town, apparently things got a little heated over when and how often can moms serve their kids snacks at playgroup. The worry is some kids spend the time wandering from parent to parent getting treats and not eating what their mom wants them to eat so the suggestion was made to perhaps limit food to certain times. There was also discussion of adding in an activity since our two-year-olds aren't always content to just hang out for two hours any longer. And more importantly, it might keep the kids occupied longer letting the moms stick around a bit longer. A nine paragraph e-mail went out about this (no kidding) as apparently some folks got a little more heated and sarcastic than normal, resulting in some hurt feelings. The good news was this is a first serious dust-up in two years, impressive actually for a bunch of educated, opinionated ladies. The message was for folks to respect each others differences, and in the meantime let's try to come up with some consensus on how to handle this.

While we were on the subject, I talked to my friend who is our defacto leader who wrote the e-mail to let her know about the tension between the working and stay-at-home moms that Betsy and I have been struggling with. I explained to her that I'm perfectly capable of saying something to the main offender next time it comes up within my earshot (right now I generally just avoid her), but that I thought she should know what was going on since offline another working mom friend told me she doesn't feel welcome going anymore because she feels judged for going back to work.

I asked if she'd think about it and let me know if she had ideas on how to handle it since we certainly didn't want to build a culture of us vs. them since the women in either column is always liable to change as kids get older and.or circumstances change. She was saddenned and exasperated (and knew immediately who the main offender was) and we talked for a long time about it, especially since many of the stay-at-home moms are getting into the preschool thing for their kids (the main offender doesn't care for preschool either).

I feel better working to address it a bit. I think this is one of those things that some people feel really strongly about. I appreciate that, but can she not feel that strongly about it in front of me?

Meanwhile, apparently there is a much bigger dust-up going on nationally over the concept of cocktail playdates. I wish I had friends that lived closer to me because the idea of unwinding in the afternoon with a couple of friends, a couple of kids and a couple of glasses of wine sounds awesome.

Why?

Why do we have to do this to each other? Can't working/stay-at-home moms just agree to respect each other and leave it at that? It's not about who sacrifices the most or whose spouse makes the most money, it's about raising kids the best you can with the resources you've been given. Bridget Jones makes reference to "smug marrieds," you know, those who are married and force their superiority upon others. I believe their is another category called "smug mommies," who are women who believe they're better mothers (and better people, naturally) simply because they stay home.

That said, I think by and large most women whether they work outside the home or not respect each other. I know I respect stay-at-home moms because it's a tough job that doesn't allow many breaks and often comes with serious financial sacrifices. I also respect my working mommy friends for figuring out how to juggle the competing interests of kids, office politics and husbands. I read somewhere that motherhood is a marathon, not a sprint, and to pace yourself because it's a long journey. Seriously folks, can't we all get along?

As a gender fighting for more equality in the workplace and more flexibility to have families within the confines of a traditionally male-dominated work force, we should be supporting each other and not tearing the other down. Together is the only way we're going to successfully fight for change.

Am I wrong? What do you think?

Stepping off the soapbox slowly...